I’ve done a good job at sitting down to write everyday even when I wasn’t sure what I’d be typing up until I was actually doing it. Today was the first day I just did not feel like writing. So I thought I’d write about why.
I made it ten days into the year before having an anxiety/panic episode. I’ve learned to notice the warning signs and deal with them but sometimes you wake up already in trouble. My fingers felt asleep and kept having to adjust my standing or seating position to breathe comfortably. Trust me, you are aren’t doing yourself any favors if you have anxiety and are fat too.
The drive to work felt twice as long. I sing in the car even when it isn’t to distract myself. On days like this, I listen to something sad or angry. Today it was a little of both. I made it out of the cloud-as I call it-without meds, which I’m happy about. After I stopped compulsively rubbing my fingers together and meditated in the haunted break room, I was back to normal. Let’s call it functional.
Two years ago today I was in an Emergency Room because doctors found something released into my blood and thought I might have had a heart attack. This was brought on by a much worse episode of anxiety. I spent the night in observation, getting X-rays and trying to keep breathing at a rhythm that wouldn’t make the machines beep at me. I hadn’t had a heart attack at all. If it wasn’t against procedure they would have let me walk myself out the next morning. Two years ago exactly. Time is imaginary but it is horrifying if you pay attention to it.
There was a lot in the news today that is worth mentioning. There is a lot going in my family’s lives that make my day seem like I just forgot to put on underwear. Life is very unpredictable. Sometimes you have to pause and acknowledge the fact that you are existing. I don’t know any proper mantras but sometimes I will think to myself, “I am here. This is my breath.”